Pride goeth before the explosion(S)

A few weeks ago I was reading a magazine in the family library. A quick little easy sewing project caught my eye. It was for a bag that you sew (thus the title sewing project) and fill with rice.

It's then heated in the microwave and used as a heating pad. It's supposed to be wonderful because it's so flexible and maintains heat well.

Sophie has reflux and sometimes she gets some bad belly aches, so being a wonderful, albeit lousy seamstress, Mamaw, I decided surely I could do this. How hard could it be really? Four sides sewn up (make sure to leave open a filling hole), fill with rice and finish sewing. Proudly present your favorite baby with a belly helper.

I have much better luck cutting a piece of wood square than sewing a square, still I was using the leftover gingham from the cookie jars, so I had a good line to follow. After the first one was sewn, I was feeling quite proud of myself. To realize how proud I felt, you would have to realize how awful I am at sewing.

I made one F in 14 years of school - my home-ec sewing project. A caftan which required folding the material over, sewing down the sides, leaving room for your arms, hemming the bottom and cutting out and sewing the neck hole. Things that went wrong with this simple project included a neck hole that was wider than my shoulders, armholes of different sizes, hemming right side out and so many little holes randomly cut into the material that it looked like a crazy quilt with all the patches on it. So for me to accomplish this square bag was quite a step up from Home-ec.

This one was about 9 X 9 and went so well, I decided to make a smaller bag for her diaper bag so we could have one away from home. It too, turned out quite nice. Then came the filling of the rice. I couldn't find the funnel I needed to fill the bag -- until I was washing the dinner dishes, then it was in plain sight. So I take another funnel and cut the hole in it bigger to be able to get a grain of rice through - if that gives you an idea how small it was. I fill the bags and quickly sew the fill hole closed. Oh, the joy I felt as I went back to the kitchen and cleaned the hundreds of grains of rice that were all over the counter top and floor.

Then came the all important test - does it work? I put the small bag in the microwave for one minute. It warmed up quite nicely and I have visions of making everyone I know a rice heating bag for Christmas. Won't they be surprised to get a handmade sewn gift from me? The looks of shock will be worth the rice everywhere.

Next I try to heat the big one - 3 minutes. It is quite toasty and I am practically smirking at my brilliance. What I wouldn't do to show that to Ms. Gill -- how dare she give me an F! Obviously I have skill and the ability to master sewing!

I call Jacob and have him put the small one back in the microwave for 3 minutes so we can see how long they will maintain the heat. We'll never know because here is where my day took a decidedly downward spiral. About 2 minutes later I go into the kitchen to be met with the most acrid smelling smoke I have ever smelled in my life. Smoke is pouring from the microwave and tears immediately start (not from sorrow, from smoke) and I could not hardly breathe or see.

I yell at the kids to stay in the playroom, close the door to that end of the house, throw a towel down in front of the door, go through the house closing every door, and then throw open the front and back doors, the kitchen and dining room windows, turn on the ceiling fans and proceed to cool our house down to the 40 or so degrees it is outside in an effort to get the smoke out of the house. As I throw open the microwave door - after wetting a towel down to hold over my mouth and nose, I am greeted by my beautiful bag which now looks like this:

The inside of my microwave is now yellow - no cleaning product is removing this nasty yellow stain covering the ENTIRE inside - vent holes, everything. Imagine the worst burnt popcorn smell you've every smelled. Multiply it by 15 - Not even close to the smell in the house at that time.

I'm sure you're wondering if I have a smoke alarm. Yes, I do. It's currently sitting on the kitchen island with the battery out. It's been there since yesterday in that condition because it is SO sensitive that yesterday it went off when I was boiling water. That's it - boiling water....so I took it down to move it even further away than the 10 feet is it now from the stove. I just hadn't done that yet today.

After bagging up my craft project, pitching it out the kitchen window and scrubbing the microwave, I light every candle I can find in the house in an attempt to help neutralize the nauseous smell throughout the house.

Bill wakes up from the stench of smoke and just looks at me like I'm crazy when he asked what I burned and I answer, "rice." I try to decide what I can do to get rid of the smell and get the house closed back up since I can just picture our heating bill rising by the minute -- and lots of minutes had gone by.

So I decide to try to kill two birds with one stone - the stone in this case being a bowl of water with vanilla in it. I decide to put it in the microwave to heat up. Maybe it will take some of the stench out of the microwave while cleaning the air at the same time.

Am I the only person who was not aware that vanilla explodes? About 45 seconds of cooking in my clean - although yellow - microwave, I hear a boom comparable to a small cannon. Dreading what I will find, I open the microwave to find vanilla water dripping from every possible nano space of microwave roof.

Suffice to say my microwave is now clean again -- still yellow, but clean.

So the best of intentions failed miserably and I'm never sewing again. Life was much simpler then.