I stopped on my way home from Kokomo today to see Ryan. We spent several hours together. We had lunch, then did some clothes shopping for his birthday. Prior to going, I had talked with his case manager, who told me that Ryan was doing well. He hasn't been in any type of trouble whatsoever since his release from Job Corps. Ryan seems level headed and is on a good path at the moment.
Ryan is doing pretty well for himself. I talk to him once a week or so. He is finishing up a training program at Camp Attebury and then plans to live in Nashville. He seems much more settled since he turned 18 and is responsible for himself and not under the constant supervision of someone else.
So nothing good going on with Ryan. He was all set to be adopted and live happily ever after with his new family. But he couldn't pull it off. He was expelled from school for fighting. And to top it off, he threatened to shoot his foster dad. At that point, he requested Ryan be removed from his home. Ryan is now living in a locked facility in Fort Wayne. Most likely he will be there until he's 18.
Yesterday marked 3 years since Ryan left our home for the last time. I sometimes wonder if forever more the beginning of a new year will remind me of the end of him living here.
I've talked to him a couple of times and seen him once in that time. None of those conversations were very productive as I can tell he still does not accept responsibility for his actions that led to his removal. This makes me sad, but also confirms my decision to have him removed was absolutely the correct one.
I think I will be seeing Ryan again at court in a few months. I've asked and none of his siblings are interested in going to see him. This thinking confirms what I've long since thought about my kids. They are much more willing to forgive someone who hurts them personally, than a person who hurts someone they love.
And it's not even that I think they haven't forgiven Ryan. I think they have - they just are done giving him more chances to hurt their family. Sometimes, enough is enough.
Ryan has been discharged and is now living in South Bend with Mike, the potential adoptive placement for him. His discharge summary from the treatment facility doesn't sound much different than his admission papers.
"Ryan has difficulty understanding the significant affect his actions have on relationship dynamics."
"Ryan views himself as a victim of unfair treatment which leads to arguing and complaining. This presents a barrier to Ryan taking full responsibility for poor choices, and he frequently blames others for escalating situations which result in violence."
"At times Ryan was able to express understanding that he is responsible for rule breaking and aggressive behaviors and how they negatively affect his life and relationships with others. However, Ryan also rejected these facts at times by minimizing the harm caused by his part actions and displaced responsibility onto others. Ryan tends to become aggressive verbally or behave in intimidating ways when he does not get what he wants. Ryan often exhibits a pattern to exert power and control in relationships. Ryan will need to decrease defiant and argumentative behaviors in order to develop healthy, reciprocal relationships. If Ryan continues to have limitations to these skills, placement in a foster home would likely be difficult."
Ryan went to his foster home with a diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Persistent Mood Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I think it would be almost impossible for anyone to overcome all of that.
I try to not have my feelings hurt when I read elsewhere in the report that Ryan told Mike, "I'm 16 years old and this is the first time I've ever felt like I had a home." Really? His first home. Not sure what he considered the 10 years he lived here. Motel 6? I don't know. There was also a sentence where Ryan said he had a bad dream that I came to get him. He can rest easy - that won't be happening.
However, my kids at home have had that same bad dream, so they are relieved he moved further away and not closer. I think deep down they always wondered if I would let him come here again. Absolutely not. He has harmed enough people in this family. I won't give that opportunity to him again.
We don't go back to court till May and by then, Mike will be ready to adopt Ryan or else, Ryan will be somewhere else. Just not here.
Keegan received an F on a math paper earlier this school year. He was understandably distraught and wanted to do better. He and I devised a plan to study his math subtraction facts every day. So we did. We studied and studied and studied some more. For each problem he did, I gave him three cents. The money he earned was put into a jar and once he was happy with his grade in math, we would spend the money on something fun for him and his sisters.
Not only did Keegan do enough math problems to take his entire family bowling and to a movie, but more importantly, he became a math whiz. He came home with a certificate at the end of the grading period for the MOST IMPROVED student in the entire second grade. I was so proud of him. He was so proud of himself...and everyone had a great time bowling.
and the one who just came along to watch.Ryan is moving to the therapeutic foster home Friday. This move is very, very hard. Much harder than I imagined it would be, given the circumstances that caused him to be in residential treatment in the first place. I think in my mind, it was always "He's getting therapy. He needs to be there." Now, after almost three years, it's done and that line of thought has changed to "Ryan will have a new family."
And I know, without any doubt whatsoever, it has to be this way. It doesn't matter. That knowledge doesn't make this Momma's heart hurt less. Not at all.
but it's time to make another one. After almost 3 years living in a residential treatment facility, there is a family who would like to adopt Ryan. What? Why is Ryan not coming back here? To his HOME? To his mother?
Because he can't. There are circumstances that just don't allow it. For the safety of my family, he won't be returning. Ryan's therapist that he has had for years agrees it wouldn't be good. The therapist that other members of our family have seen are adamantly against it. Ryan understands that. He even understands why. He accepts that. When I spoke with him this afternoon, we discussed this opportunity that has been presented to him to start fresh.
The chance to leave the facility and be in a family environment. The chance to get a driver's license, a job, a holiday that isn't spent in an institution. I haven't been actively involved with Ryan's therapy while he has been away because I knew he would not be returning. He needed to work on his issues, without the thought or hope that if he was "good", he would be returning here.
That's not to say I haven't known what was going on. I am in touch constantly with Ryan's therapist and caseworker. They are both very excited that after a year of looking, they believe they have found a great fit for Ryan. This family consists of a single man, who has adopted numerous boys who have the same issues as what Ryan has.
He is a therapeutic foster parent, so he has services available and in place for immediate use for Ryan. There are no young children in the home. Ryan wants to go -- but naturally, Ryan would want to go anywhere that was less restrictive than the place he now lives.
So it's decision time. Do I be selfish? Do I say, "NO. That's my kid and you can't have him?" -- knowing full well, that even though he is my kid, he can't come here? Can't live here and truthfully, the other kids wouldn't even want him to visit. Do I condemn him to another 2 years in an institution, only to be put on the streets when he turns 18 and ages out of foster care? He will be alone and I'm sure it wouldn't take long for him to be in trouble. The guilt is massive. I didn't adopt him, just to dessert him later.
It would be nice to be able to just turn off your love for someone. But that is something I can't do. I love Ryan. He's my son. Not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of him. I miss him. In my mind, I get flashes of the little boy he was ~~ freckles and round glasses. Huge brown eyes with long lashes, reaching out tentatively to hold my hand.
But if I'm being totally honest, I miss what he could have been. Should have been. But wasn't. I don't miss the screaming, the fights, the police showing up. I don't miss the drama and the CPS involvement over stuff he did. I won't miss having to go to court every few months, sitting in a hallway for hours with other parents, waiting to be judged inadequate.
Even though he's my son, I will sign the paper, consenting for Ryan to be adopted by someone who can give him what I can't. A home. A family. Support as he turns 18 and enters adulthood. A place to go on holidays. A grandparent for his children someday. Someone to share his ups and downs with. Someone to be there for him. I hope by signing this paper, I am giving him something he doesn't have now. A good future.
I pray it is so and I hope Ryan understands how very much I love him.
After awards time for Sophie and Keegan, I spent several hours of my life at the courthouse for a progress hearing for Ryan. It was the first time I have seen him since he left here January 2, 2013. We talked for a bit and then it was time to go into the courtroom.
Ryan has requested that my parental rights be terminated so that he can be adopted by another family. I have been asking for this to happen for 2 years. I don't know if a family will be found. CFS has been trying for over 2 years to even find a home that would take him as a foster child. They have not been successful. Today, I signed some paperwork which would allow CFS to put Ryan's profile in adoption fairs and other venues to look for a family. I hope they make sure it is a family where he is the only child and the parents are physically strong.
However, after much discussion, the judge appointed an attorney to represent Ryan in his termination bid. There is no way Ryan is coming back here to live, as his behavior is not conducive to safe, family life.
We go back to court in November. Hopefully, we will make progress toward our mutual goal of allowing Ryan to get on with his life.
Ryan was moved to a group home, but still on the grounds of the institution he has been in Feb, 2013. Every month, I get a report on his progress, or lack thereof. There is always a space for Ryan to put his comments. This month's report includes the following quote,
"I had some problems doing what staff was asking me to do and was arguing with them. I threw stuff at a staff member and cussed at him and made fun of him." AND THE NEXT SENTENCE SAYS, "I did well with self control."
WHAT? In whose mind is arguing, throwing things at a person, cursing them and making fun of them good self control? And the problem he had - was when the staff member told him it was bed time.
There is nothing positive really to report. It's pretty much just page after page of unacceptable behaviors on Ryan's part. As much as I miss Ryan - and I do, I know we made the right decision. I would not be able to have a peaceful home for my other children if Ryan lived here. I pray every day that he can get it together and turn his life and attitude around. If not, he has a very dismal future ahead of him.
Hard to imagine that life was ever considered simple with 2 boys that were 3, a 4 year old and a 5 year old. But it was. And it was fun. And I miss it.
Ryan has been at the treatment facility for a year this week. The one where the average stay is 45 days. I think they're gonna have to bump that average up if he ever leaves there.
His biological grandmother has come to the realization that she is not in a position to raise him. The report I received states that "she is afraid of what he will do if she tells him no to anything." She has cut off home visits with him. It's a harsh reality, but I'm glad that door is closed. I feel certain she would have been in danger, had she allowed him to live with her.
Well, alrighty then. You certainly can't raise a child who will be in control of your household. Especially a child with problems like Ryan has. There was a meeting last week with him, his therapist, grandmother, case worker and CASA worker. They told him that he would not be moving to his grandmother's and being adopted by her. His only comment was, "Well, that's depressing." Said with no emotion whatsoever.
CFS is currently looking for a foster family in the Indy area willing to take Ryan. I doubt that they find one. He has also been placed on waiting lists for group homes run by the facility he is currently in.
His troubles continue as his behavior spirals downward.
We had a court hearing yesterday for a progress report on Ryan. There's not much progress to report. His discharge date keeps getting pushed back because of his behavior and lack of cooperation in his therapy.
Grandma Carla is wavering on taking him in, so I'm not sure what will happen there. She states she is afraid of what he will do if she doesn't let him have his way in everything. He continues to bully other kids, defy rules and antagonize the staff. The normal stay in this facility is 45 days. Ryan has been there 11 months so far. In order to be discharged, there are 5 phases of accountability to work through. He is still on phase 3 and has been for some time.
All in all, he continues to act there as he acted at home, only they have more safeguards in place to keep the residents safe from him.
