4 month update

Yesterday marked 4 months since I had Ryan removed from the house.  I live each day without regretting that decision even once. Our house is different.  Peace has taken the place of anger.  Laughter has replaced yelling. Calm is the order of the day instead of chaos.  And fear has left the building. His victims are slowly recovering through lots of therapy and love.

But even from 3 hours away, Ryan continues to cause disruption in our home. A few weeks ago I got a call from Child Protection Services about a report (which was easy to determine came from Ryan) that they needed to investigate. Among the many allegations was one that my children were never allowed to leave the house. Their rooms actually. But that they could not socialize with children or adults. Ever.  They were prisoners.  All locked in their rooms 24/7.  They all wanted to go to public school.  They were all beaten every time they did anything wrong.  And on and on and on.

So the kids had to all be interviewed yet again.  Carly was quick to point out that when the woman stopped by earlier in the day (before she called me when  I wasn't home), that Carly answered the door.  Which would have been hard for her to do if she was locked in her room. Then she started naming all of the times she's out of the house on a weekly basis - and there were many.  She took the woman down the hallway to her "prison" and pointed out that her bedroom door does lock - from the inside.  Then she told her that she hadn't locked it though, since Ryan left.  And her punishment when she did something wrong was being grounded from the phone - not getting beaten.

Lastly, when questioned about going to school, Carly said, "I sleep till 9, do school in my pajama's, am done in a few hours, don't have homework at night - why would I want to go to public school?  For that matter, why would anyone?"

The report was unsubstantiated, but it is just a hassle to have to deal with this type of crap, instead of just enjoying our lives.

And of course at about the same time Ryan was removed, Bill moved out.  So how do I know all this is from Ryan's departure?  I don't.  But I think it's safe to say at least 75% of it is.   Bill was so checked out from our family that he slept, worked, watched TV and that was about the extent of his life, unless he was gone fishing.  There is less griping about the kids. That has gone down about 95% and everyone is much happier that he is gone.

I will be glad once I get through all of the court stuff that comes along with having your child removed from your custody - but even with all of that going on, I know I made the right decision.  Every day is a reaffirmation of that. 

Almost the Big Day around here

February 14th -- not just any ordinary day around our house.  It was the day that Bill asked me to marry him.  It was the day that  we adopted 3 children. 

And now, it will have additional meaning.  It is the day that Bill and I are signing our divorce agreement and going to court to continue the process of terminating our parental rights to Ryan.

Neither of those last two were planned for that date.  Of course, the judge set the first date, and since Bill is going to be in town, it just makes sense to do the other the same day.  But after that ~~~

the kids and I will be celebrating the day.  I will be picking Sophie up from school when I get done with court and we will all head out for a day of fun stuff. No doubt ice cream shall be involved at some point. The kids want to go bowling, and to a movie and out to eat a few times.  

And so we shall.  Take the good with the bad, but celebrate the good.

And there is much good.  Sometimes, it just seems to be hidden under a pile of crap.

Therapy in the home

During the past year, we have had in-home therapy, which mainly started because of issues with Ryan.  Ultimately, though, it helped clarify things in my mind that needed to be done.

Two particular exercises that the therapist had us participate in were very instrumental in my decision to file for divorce.

The first session involved every member of the family pretending to be a sculptor of sorts.  One at a time, each of us had to "place" every other member of the family where they "see" them as their place in the house - and explain why.

Without fail, every single child placed Bill, in his recliner, remote in hand, door closed to block out the noise of a family, in a room away from the family, watching TV.  Not one of them included him in the nucleus of our family.

As for me, every child placed me either at my desk, where I usually sit during school time or in the kitchen/dining room area, where we all hang out.   Ryan was always at the back door, wanting to go fishing and away from us.

The other kids placed themselves in close proximity to where I was.

The second exercise, and perhaps the more telling of the two consisted of the therapist bringing in a stack of about 50 index cards.  On the cards were written things like - Cooks, Cleans, Wraps presents, does grocery shopping, happy all the time, likes to sing, dances in the kitchen, loud, disciplinarian, teacher, gives great hugs, smiles a lot, in charge of everything, grumpy, makes most of the decisions, does the dirty jobs, laundry, unloads the dishwasher, mows the grass and on and on and on. 

Then we all sat around the table with the cards spread out and when she said go, we "assigned" them to someone by putting the card in front of whoever we thought the card fit.  At first, I think everyone was afraid to start, so I finally took the Likes to Sing card and put it in front of Carly. That broke the ice and everyone was in a frenzy assigning cards.

When all was said and done, Bill had 2 cards in front of him.  Does the dirty jobs (because they said he was the one who "snaked" out the drains when they get stopped up with tree roots outside) and grumpy.  Except they had added "all the time."

As I sat and looked at those cards, it was obvious that there were certain ones of us, (what I now think of as The Final Four) who were a family.  We shared the good times, the chores, the responsibilities and everything else that goes along with being a family.

And as I pondered how they were divided between the rest of us, it hit me, "These kids deserve better than living with grumpy all the time.   I can hire the drains cleaned if needed." 

Sometimes, therapy can be life changing indeed.

Moving Day

Bill was up early this morning, packing the vehicles and then he and I drove to his new apartment, where he and the kids hauled his belongings up a couple of flights of stairs. 

Me -- not so much.  I sat in the Suburban and read a book on my Kindle.  Then the kids and I went to lunch to celebrate......my birthday.

Zac and Benjamin came over for the afternoon, then tonight we went to watch Sophie at the high school basketball game, where she was the Little Miss Princess.

All in all, a very peaceful birthday and to borrow a well known phrase, the first day of the rest of my life.

An oxymoron ~~ A civil divorce

Things are swimming along in the "so far, so good" category as far as the divorce is going. Thursday morning we attended our court ordered "Parenting through Transition" classes.  We were the only couple there and without a doubt the oldest people there.

Bill is moving out in 4 days.  He spent this weekend working around the house.  His list of accomplishments was impressive:

• He installed a light in what is now my living room, but will be a dining room. He agreed to do this before we moved in over 15 years ago. It is now done and the room is much brighter!
• He brought the electrical outlets flush with the wall, because they were recessed when I put bead board on the dining room walls 10 years ago.  He was supposed to do it in August, 2002.
• He ran a line under the house from the kitchen to my bedroom so I can have internet access in the bedroom. That was cold, icky work.
• He replaced some shelving in the pantry that was sagging.
• He dug a trench away from the house on one corner where we have a drainage problem.
• He cleaned and repaired the gutters.
• He installed a new light in the laundry room.
• He took out the old and installed a new dryer (mine died yesterday).
• He checked all the fluids in the vehicles I'm keeping and serviced them.

Not a bad weekend's work. We still went to church today and he managed to watch a few football games.

So there are those people who say, "That just shows how much he cares about you."  Really?  It was very helpful and much appreciated, but why did I have to wait 15 years for a light that took less than an hour for him to install?

The cynical part of me thinks it is a clear demonstration of just how "checked out" he was of our family -- and he wants to leave with the knowledge that we are good to go.

Still, whatever the reason, I am very happy to have all of that done.  Those things will make my life easier as I start this journey of being a single mom again. 

The post where the D word is first mentioned

Perhaps, most likely really, I knew it was coming before my accident.  If you read this passage from my recounting of my accident, then you might have noticed something......or rather someone was missing.

"It's strange how many thoughts you can think about when you realize you are about to die. I thought of how silly it was to die doing something so fun. I thought of all of my kids and how I hoped they knew how much I loved them. I wondered if Zac and Andie would get married and I thought of Benjamin and was sad that we wouldn't even remember me at his age.

I remember clearly thinking, "It's over, it's time to let go" and I let go of the branch I was holding onto. I started thinking of my dad and was picturing his face when the next thing I saw was Andi ~~ dunking under water and breathing air into my mouth."

But not once did I think of Bill.  Later, that night as I lay in the ICU, even in my drug induced haze, it occurred to me that if I was in love with my husband of 16 years, I should have thought of him in my dying moments. But I hadn't. And I knew then, in that moment, that I would someday be getting a divorce. 

We have gone through marriage counseling several times, with Christian counselors.  I have Biblical reasons to support my decision  (which I won't be discussing) to divorce and I will have no problem standing before God after having done so and having to account for ending my marriage. Unless the question is, "Why did you stay so long?"  I might have some trouble over that one.

Bill has always, always, always been a great provider and a generous husband.  And he continues to be.  With the ongoing issues we have with Carly and her impulsive behavior, neither of us wanted me to have to leave the house every day and go to work.

So, I'm not.  Bill has ensured that the children and I will continue to live in the home they've always known as home.  I may work from home, but I don't have to.  As I said, he's being very generous.

Sad to say, but the kids have no problem at all with my decision. Ryan is the only one who even asked why.  When I told him, "I just think we will be much happier if it's just us and Dad lives somewhere else." he thought about it for a moment and said, "Well, you've got a good point there."  As I said, if God asks why I stayed so long I may be squirming for answers.

The Petition for Dissolution has been filed and he has leased an apartment close to his job. He will be moving out on the 11th ~~ which now, after almost 19 years of marriage, he hasn't even realized is my 52nd birthday.