Spiraling Downward
Years ago Billski and I were foster parents to a young boy, who I will call J. J lived with us for several years, on and off. I originally picked him up from a mental facility where he had been hospitalized for depression....at age 6. We loved J and we lived through a lot of therapy sessions and hospitalizations, until the day came when it was obvious that he needed more help than what we were able to give him. He needed long term, residential psychiatric care. Which is where he has spent the last 10 years or so.
I can't even begin to think of how many times that I've commented to someone, "Ryan reminds me of J." And he does. Ryan has the same flat affect, lack of empathy for anyone, impulsiveness, manipulative behavior and lack of control that J had. And he is violent. We finally had to have J removed after Jacob and Wesley both had "accidents" within a couple of days of J telling us he wished he were the only boy living in the house and on the same day he came through the house, poking his arm with a steak knife, chanting, "I want to kill myself. I want to kill myself." Obviously, he needed some help.
Which brings me to Ryan. I love that kid more than he will ever know, but it has become increasingly obvious that he also needs more mental help than what we, his therapist or psychiatrist are qualified to give him. As he has hit puberty, his behavior is getting more out of control and he is getting physically violent. He has many diagnosis' to his name: Mood Disorder, Psychotic Disorder, Intermittent Exposive Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Pervasive Personality Disorder, MMR and I think they will be sticking Aspergers on him as well. He takes a LOT of medicines, anti psychotic drugs, mood stablelizers, anti depressants and others. Enough that it should make him as docile as a newborn kitten. Only it doesn't.
So it's not as if we don't know he has problems. Anyone who can read his file could see that. It's just that we wanted our love to be enough to fix them. But it's not. It has come to the point that we have to put the safety of our other children at the top of the list. The last two times I've let Ryan go somewhere in public have both resulted in phone calls about him being physically abusive to someone. And those weren't the first calls. And both were unprovoked attacks on someone by Ryan. Ryan is not a small child either. He's already taller than me and although Wesley is older, Ryan probably outweighs Wes by 40 pounds.
It was heartbreaking today to sit in a meeting and listen to Jacob, Carly and Wes all talk about the things Ryan has done to them. Jacob has permanent scars on his arms from Ryan clawing at him. Although the case worker had told me that biological siblings will hardly ever say anything bad about their sibling, Carly was quite upfront about Ryan slamming her head into the kitchen cabinets, putting her in a choke hold up against a wall and putting a line of about 15 bruises up her arm and leg when she was trying to pull him off of Wesley one day recently. That would be the day that Carly and Wes told him they didn't want to play, they were just watching TV. So he hit Wesley and Wesley told him, "That didn't hurt." So to hear Ryan tell it, "That just meant he wanted me to hit him harder." Which he started doing and Carly ended up getting the worst of it from Ryan kicking her as she was trying to help Wes. She is frightened of him ~~ and sadly, it's with good cause.
Last week he grabbed the 5 gallon paint stirring stick that I've always used for a paddle and started approaching me and wildly swinging it at me, threatening to hit me with it. When he asked me what I would do if he did, I told him I would call the police. He kept on swinging it for a bit, then suddenly just started laughing hysterically and put it away.
I let them go to a pool party a few nights ago and Carly came home with the news that Ryan had just punched her in the face. No reason why. When I asked him why, he answered, "She looked like she was gonna talk to me." So you punch someone in the face? Impossible to understand what goes through his brain, so it's impossible for me to help. There's no doubt Ryan could teach a class on coping skills - he just doesn't use them. He has become increasingly verbally threatening to Bill and me. He is verbally abusive and that particular endearing quality is not limited to just me as his mom (who he now refers to as a b****), but to his entire family. He has problems verbalizing some things, but not his "feelings" about us and how nobody deserves any respect around here but him.
So, the post adoptive specialist and caseworker will be looking for a long term residential psychiatric facility placement for Ryan. Possibly like a group home. We really have no idea where or for how long. Most likely, it will be years. It's not as if there is a large selection of them and his low IQ limits that selection even more. In the meantime, they may move Ryan to a foster home or other short term placement in order to help ensure the safety of the other kids. She doesn't seem to think Ryan will ever live on his own, but perhaps in a group home as an adult as well. I hope she's wrong about that, but deep down, I think she could be right.
There are many things he has done that are not written here. Things I would never disclose out of respect for the people they involved and their privacy, but they are things that a child without psychological problems would never even consider doing -- much less do.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this out. Maybe, so that in the future, when I'm missing him like crazy and all this is just a memory instead of a way of life and I'm wondering if we could have just stumbled through, I can go back and read it and remember the words of the other kids when they were describing their worry. Children shouldn't be afraid to live in their own homes ~~~ I guess that's the bottom line and I have to remember that.
