Limbo

Time stands still - yet marches on. I sleep about 4 hours a night. In short shifts. Upon awakening, my first thought is "My dad is dead." How long does that last? I don't know, but once it isn't the first thought, I have no doubt that at some point during every day for the rest of my life, that thought will cross my mind.

God is comforting me with affirmations I don't really need, but so appreciate anyway. When I woke up tonight at about 2, I came in and turned on the radio and the song I was humming to dad as he died was playing. This afternoon, Zac and I were shopping for some shoes for him to wear to the funeral. My IPOD was playing, but when the playlist finished, I clicked over to the radio and the song was playing then also. That was the only other time I listened to the radio today. God is cool that way.

At times the waves of grief come crashing at me and it's all I can do to stand. It's at those moments when I know it's the arms of my heavenly father and the prayers of my friends that continue to hold me up.

The little kids are doing pretty well. Pappaw was Carly's most favorite person on earth, yet like me, she has been grieving for months, so that has made this easier for her than if he had just died a healthy, happy man. Still, she has chosen, along with Wes and Ryan to not attend the funeral.

Jacob will be the only one going to the funeral and I would appreciate your prayers for him. He is standing by me in the ocean of grief waves. Last night - or I guess Tuesday night now, since it's 4 am, I was going to try to get some sleep, but right when I was going to bed, he got upset. Instead of sleeping, he and I spent the next 3 hours looking up scriptures and praying. I think it helped when I had him make a list of the 10 things that he thought Pappaw liked to do best in the world. Once he could tangibly see that there wasn't one thing on that list that Pappaw was still able to do, he was able to let him go a bit more.

The funeral will be Saturday. I know that's a long time from Monday, but Big Guy is away at school in Kentucky to become the school liaison police officer. If he had left school, he would not have graduated. Knowing how proud Pappaw was of him when he got that job, we all wanted to wait until he could be there. Andi and Sophie will be making the trip to see him graduate Friday.

My shoulder is feeling pretty good - unless someone hugs me. Which people tend to do when your dad dies. I've already figured out there's no polite way to say, "Please don't hug me.", so I take a pain pill before leaving the house. And hug back, thankful to have friends who care.

In a very bizarre way of thinking, the pain is almost comforting. I injured my arm lifting my dad after a fall when he was staying with me and I was taking care of him. It's like it reaffirms that I did my best for him. I told you - bizarre.

All in all, life goes on and I'm going to go with it. I've made a conscious decision to TRY and not sit and flounder in grief. If I did, I think my dad would kick my butt. Besides, truthfully, crying all the time is painful for me. My nose gets so sore, I get a sinus headache and my eyes burn like crazy.

I have several things scheduled where I will need to be able to appear to be happy or it's just gonna be a drag for those around me. My first thought was to just cancel them. One is chaperoning at Studio Bee Saturday night -- the day of the funeral. At first, I actually did tell them I needed a replacement, but after thinking about it, I decided to go ahead and do it. Several times daddy talked about what a great place that was for the kids to be able to go to day camp or just go and hang out. So we are going to do that. And I hope they have fun. Pappaw would have liked that for them.

Next week, I'm in charge of a Valentine's Day party for our homeschool field trip group. I chose this months ago since Valentine's Day is so special in our house. Pondering throwing a party for 40 people right now seems inconceivable. But knowing my daddy would love nothing more than to have been right in the middle of it, entertaining the kids, I will do the same. Not with the same enthusiasm as he would have done it, but with the help of wonderful friends, it will get done.

Well, this post has certainly gone on forever. That's one of the problems of being up alone in the middle of the night. No interruptions. However, after I hit spell check and was just about to hit post, my email dinged. This verse of the day was in my email....

Thursday 2/5/2009
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. ~ Psalm 5:3, NLT

So hear my voice today O Lord. Keep the waves at bay for me.