A deal with the utility Nazi

Billski's mission is life is simple - go through the house, turn off lights and mutter about it. He's good at it. He's had lots of practice. Years. I remember Andi, Zac and I sitting huddled around a flashlight one day when he came home from work as a "demonstration" of our willingness to conserve electricity. Billski was not amused. We were though.

14 years and 4 kids later, we are no better at turning off lights than we were then. Our electric and natural gas bills are on the budget plan, meaning they are the same every month year round and the utility company adjusts it once a year. So far it has never adjusted down. This year it adjusted up from $202 bucks per month to $264. per month. Every month. And our natural gas bill adjusted too this month -- also upward.

The utility Nazi about came unglued. The first thing he did was go to Lowes and spend hundreds of dollars on light bulbs. You know the kind. The ones that are supposed to save you untold amounts of money on your electricity bill. The ones that when you flick the switch, you are still basically standing in the dark as an eery glow starts to slowly emit from what was previously instant light. He replaced every bulb in the entire house - not as they burn out, (which seemed to make sense to me) but all at once.

I despise these bulbs. I detest the price of these bulbs. I hate that I now have over 40 of these bulbs in my house. I loathe the fact that when you pay 9 bucks for a light bulb that is supposed to last 10 years, they don't take a hackysack hit worth a dang. They still blow out, just like the bulbs that cost 40 cents from Wal-Mart.

Billski loves these bulbs. He likes to point out wattage to me - like I care. He loves to touch these bulbs to show me how cool they are to the touch. Like I'm going to go around caressing the light bulbs in my spare time.

So Billski was on the warpath till I stopped him dead in his tracks as he was going on about wasted electricity and wasted water. At that point, I pointed out what is easily the biggest waste of water in our house.

His aquarium -- a 6 foot long monstosity. 150 gallons of water. Water that has to go through a reverse osmosis system that runs through 5 gallons of water for every 1 gallon that is usable The aquarium water is constantly having to be replaced. So where does that wasted 4 gallons go? Right into the ground. Our sewer bill is based on what our water bill is, so we are also paying sewer fees for water that is going straight into our ground and is no use to us whatsoever.

And the electricity? Whew. I don't even want to think about it. The heat that is put off from the massive overhead lights is intense. The filtering system goes on 24/7. As long as he was on the warpath, I decreed we should sell the fish tank. He stuttered and sputtered and finally agreed. I mean, really, what could he say in his defense? Nothing.

I let him stew about this all weekend and as I pretended to put an ad in the newspaper yesterday, I told him I would make a deal with him. I would agree to keep the fish tank if he would agree to NEVER mention the electricity or water usage again. Or the fish tank is gone - without warning. He will just come home and the constant sound of gurgling water which always makes me have to go to the bathroom when I walk by it, will be silenced.

Amazingly, he agreed. I can hardly wait to tell the kids. We will probably flip on every light in the house and party till 2015 -- which is about how long it will take those light bulbs to pay for themselves.