Deliberate Abandonment

My dad got divorced Monday. Nana, my beloved stepmom & the most actively involved grandmother in my kids lives is no longer our family. She has moved to St. Louis. I knew this was coming back in early October. I was the only one in our family that my dad chose to tell and it was a heavy secret to have.

Thanksgiving came and with it, the first holiday in years that Nana wasn't at our table. The same with Christmas, and still my dad didn't want anyone to know what was going on.

It was during all of this that Andi was constantly back and forth to the hospital and I know she thought that she was stressing me out, but she really wasn't. It was Nana's absence and the sadness of my dad that went along with that absence that stressed me out and kept me on the verge of tears for months. Pappaw was adamant that Andi not know since she had enough going on as it was.

At the beginning of their separation, Nana and I would talk on the phone, but then came the day that she had her son-in-law answer the phone and ask me to not call again.

I still had Andi asking me practically every day why Nana didn't call. Quite frankly, Andi idolized Nana in a way that I've never seen her be about anybody and it was hurting both her and Big Guy that Nana was not contacting them with Keegan's birth drawing closer.

I respected Nana's wishes to not contact her until the day before Keegan's birth. Then I called and left a message - just telling her that Andi & Big Guy still had no idea this was a separation and not an extended visit and maybe she could just take a minute to give them a call before Keegan was born the next day.

She did not do that though and at that moment I knew she wasn't coming back -- and at that moment nor did I care if she did. If you're a mom, you know how you feel when someone hurts your kids. That's how I felt. No matter that my dad was still "80% sure she was coming back", I knew she wasn't. She would not be burning her bridges within our family if she were.

Andi and Big Guy were both extremely hurt that she did not acknowledge Keegan's birth in any way. His entire birth was overshadowed by her lack of any type of contact. And I was the one left to try to deal with their anger and bewilderment, while trying to not say anything to betray my dad's confidence.

When Keegan was a few weeks old, Andi asked me point blank if Pappaw was getting divorced. I told her she would have to discuss that with him and she knew at that point. Her tears of missing Nana became tears of sorrow. And anger - because she is old enough to know what I know. This was Nana's choosing. Pappaw would not have cared if Nana moved next door to us just so she could see the kids every day. It's been several months now and Andi still cries at every mention of her name.

My dad finally accepted a few weeks ago that Nana wasn't coming back and told me I could tell my family what was going on. I didn't want to tell the kids before they went to Disney, so I waited till they got back.......and then a few days after that. It was a conversation I just didn't want to have but had to anyway.

It was every bit as horrible as I imagined it would be. Carly wrote about it that night in her journal.

Dear Journal, I just heard the saddest news of the world. Pappaw and Nana are deforced. And Nana is living in St. Louis. I'm heartbroken to hear this. Nana loved making food, quilts. Nana showed me how to sew cross stichs. Nana and Pappaw gave me Samantha books. Nana gave me coloring books. Ever time we came in hungry and thirsty Nana had a meal done for us. When she was baking me and Jacob and Wilson would help her. Nana allways said my drawing was great. When Jacob and Ryan watched to much tv Nana would say that we would get a headache if we watch to much. Nana would let me wear one of her aprints when I helped make something with her. When she told me to the boys in, I would do what she do. Yoo hoo, oh boys, it's time to eat. I'm a little bit like her. I help make the beds when she does. I'll allways think about Nana.

A few days after she wrote that, Carly let me read it and it made me angry all over again. Anyone who knows my dad, knows he is as easy going as they come and there is not a chance in the world that he would have had a problem with Nana continuing to have a relationship with my kids. She just chose not too. And I had no explanation why.

There are several relatives my kids don't see because of various reasons that I won't go into here, but there are very valid reasons. It's a mom's job to protect her children, whether it be from words they shouldn't hear, prejudices they shouldn't experience or erratic behaviors they shouldn't witness.

So their relationship with Nana was one of the most important ones in their lives. Nana and Pappaw were the ones they would see most, spend the most time with and love whole heartedly.

I wrote Nana a letter after reading Carly's journal and let her know how I felt about things basically. Already knowing that I was someday facing trying to tell three of my kids why they were abandoned by their birth parents, now I was also trying to explain why Nana had just walked out of their lives without so much as a good-bye. And I didn't even have the excuse of drugs or alcohol to use for her.

Nana has made two quilts for Sophie. Yesterday my dad brought each of the kids and Keegan a quilt from Nana, along with cards from her - beautiful notes telling each child how special they were and in what ways. I'm glad they at least have that closure now - but I wish they had their Nana instead.
So their Nana -

the one who would bake cookies for them and with them,

the one who would tie her aprons around their necks and play Superman with them under the shade trees,

the one who who would go on treasure walks with them to find the neatest things,

the one who would tell them story after story,

the one who always had a barn full of cats named after literary characters,

the one who would throw her head back and laugh out loud at their jokes,

the one who loved reliving their escapades,

the one who would come to see whatever they were doing and cheer them on,

the one who spoiled all of the kids with her love for them is gone.

And it hurts all of our hearts. Perhaps this momma's heart most of all as I deal with the hurt each of them feel. Andi told me yesterday that not a single day has gone by since she found this out that she has not cried about it.

Not only are they missing the love of their Nana, but she is missing the love of ALL of them.

It's all very, very sad. Because this abandonment was all so unnecessary. And I will never understand it. Never.