It is as it should be

When we sent out our adoption announcements, the front of the cards read, "In every childhood there is a moment when the door opens and lets the future in." For our kids, that moment came when they were given to us to raise.

There has been a lot of discussion and emails going on in our home this past week - among family members, foster parents, therapists, caseworkers, friends, ministers, adoptive parents and even an adult friend who grew up in foster care.

The topic has revolved around what, if any, and how much information should be given to Carly and Ryan about their biological parents. Should contact be allowed? Either by phone, writing or visits - everyone had their opinions and there were a lot of valid points made both for and against it.

Carly has asked before what her name was before she lived with us but I had never told her. She doesn't remember it - although she was just weeks away from being 4 when she came to live with us. This past weekend though, they asked Grandma Carla if she had any children. This was quite awkward for her, because she is the mother of Carly and Ryan's biological father. She doesn't display his picture when they visit her and she doesn't talk about him of course.

But there was the question - hanging heavy in the air. She pretended to not hear, but Jacob asked her a second time. To say she didn't have any child would be a lie - and to talk about him would be a violation of our visitation agreement. So she did the best thing possible. She called me to tell me what had happened. Their question was no doubt fed by the coming of Sophie - because they are now very interested in who is related and how they are related.

When I picked the kids up Sunday, I told them how Grandma Carla was related to them. None of them said much and we went on to other topics. Later, in the car, Carly reaffirmed what I had said, but hasn't mentioned it again all week.

I also received a letter this week from Toyota - wanting to verify everyone's dependent status. There is a long list of documents you can send in to verify your child is actually your child. So I had to get into the safe to retrieve all of the adoption documents and the files from when the kids were in foster care and the circumstances leading up to their placement.

I have read through these papers again in the last few days. Between all of the parents of our adoptive children there is a plethora of admitted use of crack, crank, cocaine and marijuana. There are repeated evictions, arrests, jail sentences, overdoses and police runs. Multiple DUI's, mental facility admissions, prenatal drug and alcohol abuse and admissions of prostitution can be found in those documents. Neglect, abuse and abandonment are what my children had in store for them had the state not intervened.

In his defense, very little of this behavior was from Carla's son, however, we have decided against any contact with the kids at this point. He will be allowed to read this blog if he wants. Although he is supposedly now clean and sober and working hard, there were several people who expressed concern that having a meeting with Carly and Ryan might not be good for HIM. That it might be detrimental to his ongoing recovery and bring up feelings he is not equipped to deal with at this time. Perhaps later - when they are older and better able to understand things and he is more secure in his rehabilitation process.

Right now I already deal with Ryan asking why his mom and dad "didn't want him." I assure him that they did want him, but sometimes people just aren't able to take care of their kids so God finds them a different place. I wouldn't want Ryan to ask Carla's son that question. Today, I told them their "before" names and showed them a photo of their biological parents. Baby steps - but that is our decision for now.

While I was reading these papers again and thanking God for rescuing them from the life their parents led, Carly brought me this drawing she had just finished.

That's all of us - including Sophie - and we are all happy and smiling. Even the sun is smiling in her world now. And that's as it should be.