20 year anniversary

Twenty years have passed since the kids were adopted.  It’s been a wild ride, with lots of unexpected bumps along the way, but I’m blessed to be their momma!

Happy Gotcha Day - 13 and counting!

I hate hard, horrible, bad, yucky tough to make decisions

but it's time to make another one. After almost 3 years living in a residential treatment facility, there is a family who would like to adopt Ryan.  What?  Why is Ryan not coming back here? To his HOME? To his mother?

Because he can't. There are circumstances that just don't allow it.  For the safety of my family, he won't be returning. Ryan's therapist that he has had for years agrees it wouldn't be good.  The therapist that other members of our family have seen are adamantly against it.  Ryan understands that. He even understands why. He accepts that.  When I spoke with him this afternoon, we discussed this opportunity that has been presented to him to start fresh.

The chance to leave the facility and be in a family environment. The chance to get a driver's license, a job, a holiday that isn't spent in an institution.   I haven't been actively involved with Ryan's therapy while he has been away because I knew he would not be returning.  He needed to work on his issues, without the thought or hope that if he was "good", he would be returning here.

That's not to say I haven't known what was going on.  I am in touch constantly with Ryan's therapist and caseworker.  They are both very excited that after a year of looking, they believe they have found a great fit for Ryan. This family consists of a single man, who has adopted numerous boys who have the same issues as what Ryan has. 

He is a therapeutic foster parent, so he has services available and in place for immediate use for Ryan. There are no young children in the home. Ryan wants to go -- but naturally, Ryan would want to go anywhere that was less restrictive than the place he now lives.

So it's decision time. Do I be selfish? Do I say, "NO. That's my kid and you can't have him?" -- knowing full well, that even though he is my kid, he can't come here? Can't live here and truthfully, the other kids wouldn't even want him to visit. Do I condemn him to another 2 years in an institution, only to be put on the streets when he turns 18 and ages out of foster care? He will be alone and I'm sure it wouldn't take long for him to be in trouble.  The guilt is massive. I didn't adopt him, just to dessert him later. 

It would be nice to be able to just turn off your love for someone. But that is something I can't do. I love Ryan.  He's my son. Not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of him.  I miss him.  In my mind, I get flashes of the little boy he was ~~ freckles and round glasses. Huge brown eyes with long lashes, reaching out tentatively to hold my hand.

But if I'm being totally honest, I miss what he could have been.  Should have been.  But wasn't. I don't miss the screaming, the fights, the police showing up. I don't miss the drama and  the CPS involvement over stuff he did. I won't miss having to go to court every few months, sitting in a hallway  for hours with other parents, waiting to be judged inadequate.

Even though he's my son, I will sign the paper, consenting for Ryan to be adopted by someone who can give him what I can't.  A home.  A family. Support as he turns 18 and enters adulthood. A place to go on holidays. A grandparent for his children someday. Someone to share his ups and downs with. Someone to be there for him.  I hope by signing this paper, I am giving him something he doesn't have now.  A good future. 

I pray it is so and I hope Ryan understands how very much I love him.

4 month update

Yesterday marked 4 months since I had Ryan removed from the house.  I live each day without regretting that decision even once. Our house is different.  Peace has taken the place of anger.  Laughter has replaced yelling. Calm is the order of the day instead of chaos.  And fear has left the building. His victims are slowly recovering through lots of therapy and love.

But even from 3 hours away, Ryan continues to cause disruption in our home. A few weeks ago I got a call from Child Protection Services about a report (which was easy to determine came from Ryan) that they needed to investigate. Among the many allegations was one that my children were never allowed to leave the house. Their rooms actually. But that they could not socialize with children or adults. Ever.  They were prisoners.  All locked in their rooms 24/7.  They all wanted to go to public school.  They were all beaten every time they did anything wrong.  And on and on and on.

So the kids had to all be interviewed yet again.  Carly was quick to point out that when the woman stopped by earlier in the day (before she called me when  I wasn't home), that Carly answered the door.  Which would have been hard for her to do if she was locked in her room. Then she started naming all of the times she's out of the house on a weekly basis - and there were many.  She took the woman down the hallway to her "prison" and pointed out that her bedroom door does lock - from the inside.  Then she told her that she hadn't locked it though, since Ryan left.  And her punishment when she did something wrong was being grounded from the phone - not getting beaten.

Lastly, when questioned about going to school, Carly said, "I sleep till 9, do school in my pajama's, am done in a few hours, don't have homework at night - why would I want to go to public school?  For that matter, why would anyone?"

The report was unsubstantiated, but it is just a hassle to have to deal with this type of crap, instead of just enjoying our lives.

And of course at about the same time Ryan was removed, Bill moved out.  So how do I know all this is from Ryan's departure?  I don't.  But I think it's safe to say at least 75% of it is.   Bill was so checked out from our family that he slept, worked, watched TV and that was about the extent of his life, unless he was gone fishing.  There is less griping about the kids. That has gone down about 95% and everyone is much happier that he is gone.

I will be glad once I get through all of the court stuff that comes along with having your child removed from your custody - but even with all of that going on, I know I made the right decision.  Every day is a reaffirmation of that. 

Happy Gotcha Day - Take 10

Today has been an emotional day on so many levels.  While we wanted to just pretend that life was grand, the entire morning was spent in the courthouse dealing with Ryan.

Ryan will be moved tomorrow morning to a locked treatment facility for kids with maladaptive behavior.  So because of the choices he has made for himself, Ryan's life continues to spiral downward, while these other guys enjoyed themselves immensely today.

We went to Golden Corral for lunch, then bowling, did a bit of shopping, went to see Hotel Transylvania, then capped off the evening with Fazoli's. 

Hopefully next year there will be no drama on Gotcha Day and we can all just enjoy ourselves.

Almost the Big Day around here

February 14th -- not just any ordinary day around our house.  It was the day that Bill asked me to marry him.  It was the day that  we adopted 3 children. 

And now, it will have additional meaning.  It is the day that Bill and I are signing our divorce agreement and going to court to continue the process of terminating our parental rights to Ryan.

Neither of those last two were planned for that date.  Of course, the judge set the first date, and since Bill is going to be in town, it just makes sense to do the other the same day.  But after that ~~~

the kids and I will be celebrating the day.  I will be picking Sophie up from school when I get done with court and we will all head out for a day of fun stuff. No doubt ice cream shall be involved at some point. The kids want to go bowling, and to a movie and out to eat a few times.  

And so we shall.  Take the good with the bad, but celebrate the good.

And there is much good.  Sometimes, it just seems to be hidden under a pile of crap.

Court today for Ryan

Today was my first court appearance since having Ryan removed. It went pretty well. I asked for the Petition to be changed to a CHINS 6. CHINS - Child in need of Services. Subsection 6 is that the child is a danger to himself or OTHERS.  That got denied.
 
Child Protection Services had originally said there were to be three counts against me - Child Abandonment, Neglect of a Child and Failure to Supervise.  Nice.  They said the Failure to Supervise was because the latest incident happened when I was taking Sophie to the doctor.

The actual petition filed with the court only had one count - Abandonment.  Their stance is that  I abandoned Ryan because I refuse to allow him to remain in the home, demonstrating "an inability, refusal or neglect to supply the child with necessary shelter, which seriously endangers the child's physical condition."  Never mind that HE was endangering many children's physical and mental condition.
 
I found out things reading thea actual petition that I had no idea about, that he had told the caseworker he had done.  It very strongly reaffirmed that I made the right decision.

I admitted to the petition as far as - "I agree Ryan is a CHINS case, but I do not admit that it is my neglect that caused it." I pointed out the safety plan the Department issued for us several years ago was being followed, the fact that the therapists, counselors and our pastor have encouraged us to put trust in Ryan's ability to change and to give him the opportunity to demonstrate that.
 
My next court date is February 14th.  That is the 10 year anniversary of the day I adopted him.
 

And then there were 4

In my mind, I had already converted my family from six people to five, knowing Bill was going to be moving soon.  However, I wasn't thinking it would be going smaller than that until sometime in 2016, at the earliest, when Jacob moved out.

I was wrong.

Last night I was made aware of an incident involving Ryan.  I reported him to the police and CPS removed him late last night. 

He freely admitted what he had done and when I told him he was done living here, his only comment was, "Can I take my Spiderman movies?"

Can you say Reactive Attachment Disorder? 

Common signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder

• An aversion to touch and physical affection. Children with reactive attachment disorder often flinch, laugh, or even say “Ouch” when touched. Rather than producing positive feelings, touch and affection are perceived as a threat.
• Control issues. Most children with reactive attachment disorder go to great lengths to remain in control and avoid feeling helpless. They are often disobedient, defiant, and argumentative.
• Anger problems. Anger may be expressed directly, in tantrums or acting out, or through manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior. Children with reactive attachment disorder may hide their anger in socially acceptable actions, like giving a high five that hurts or hugging someone too hard.
• Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.
• An underdeveloped conscience. Children with reactive attachment disorder may act like they don’t have a conscience and fail to show guilt, regret, or remorse after behaving badly.

And Carly has this diagnosis as well.  That knowledge scares the crap out of me.  All day my mind has been flashing back to Ryan as a freckled face obstinate toddler to the teenager he is today.  I know in my heart that really there wasn't anything else we could have done for Ryan.  Years of doctors, therapists, medicines and in patient residential treatments have failed to undo what early childhood neglect did.

So although my anger is intense ~~ my heart is broken.   The man that I wanted Ryan to become does not appear to be a possibility.

26 months ago, when we first got a diagnosis of RAD on Ryan, our family was in shambles from his actions.  Long term residential psychiatric treatment did not fix his problems ~~ they were there all along, simmering and waiting to be revealed again.

There will not be another chance here for Ryan.  The safety of the other children in our family has to outweigh him living here. As he left at 11:52 last night, he had already totally disengaged himself from our family.  His last words to me were, "Bye, Perri.  Thanks for all you did for me."  And he walked off without so much as a backward glance.

This was not the future I envisioned for him when we adopted him 10 years ago, but it is the reality of the circumstances he has created for himself.

So now we are four. 

A Jam Packed Funday Monday for Gotcha Day

8 years ago today we adopted this innocent looking trio of preschoolers. Weren't they adorable in their little matchy matcherton red monogrammed outfits? So sweet in their love for each other.

But now at the ages of 11 and 12 -- they are ready to beat each other today........at a variety of fun games.

All over America people are celebrating the ones they love today -- and no where will the celebration be more jam packed with fun than what the kids have planned for us today. I'm getting ready to awaken the darlings so we can get ready to head to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. From there, it's off to the early morning bowling session for a few games of bowling, followed by a pizza before heading to the movies (where I'm sure popcorn and candy will be involved.)

After watching the movie, unlimited putt-putt and Lazer Tag round out the day's activities capped off by Ye Olde Country Buffet for dinner. The rule is no chores, no school and no griping or complaining by anyone about anything all day. That alone makes the price of this day worthwhile to me.

Enjoy the day with your family - I know I will and all along the way today, I'll be thanking God and the mothers who made this day possible for our family. Happy Gotcha Day!

How could you not fall in love at first sight?

This was the first picture I ever saw of Carly and Ryan. It was at an adoption fair in Evansville. I sent in a inquiry on them as did several hundred other families. But in the end, God's will was done and they joined our family. 7 years ago today we made the trip to go pick them up.

It was one of the best decisions we ever made - to trust in God and believe that we were able to meet all of their needs. You can read the entire story of our adoption journey here.

My new car window sticker

Give it some thought - there's plenty of kids to go around.

There was much rejoicing

a bit of dancing,

some celebrating,

a lot of big smiles,
a bit of legal mumbo jumbo,

and then, they were a forever family.

A life ends while another begins.....

Today, 5 children no longer have to ever wonder where they will sleep at night. Or when they will eat again. Or how long they get to stay somewhere before they are moved yet again. Or whether or not they are loved. Things kids shouldn't have to wonder at all, but too many do.

Today, 5 children will leave the world of foster care forever as they are adopted by Larry & Heidi. I'm glad I get to be at the ceremony. I'll be the one trying to see through the camera while I have tears in my eyes.

I'll post pictures later today.

5 years later

and all is well with our world. 5 years ago today our family went from 3 kids to 6 with the judge's signature on our Petitions to Adopt.

When I look at pictures of how little they were five years ago, I can see why people might have thought I had lost my marbles. But having two 3 year olds, a 4 year old and a 5 year old was a blast. And having them grow up so close in age is a huge blessing. God has been so good to our family and I will be forever grateful to Him for bringing us all together.

And the Adventure Began

Mix 4 young kids, 4 car seats, 4 sippy cups and a sweltering hot August day 4 years ago and what do you get?

The beginning of a whole new world. Four years ago today Carly and Ryan joined our family. This is the first picture I have of all of the little kids together. It was
taken as we were getting ready to leave the agency with them. Jacob and Wes were certainly excited while you can tell that Carly and Ryan were probably wondering what exactly was going on.

I didn't realize it at the time how often I would be explaining how we could have all of these children so close in age.

These kids bring so much joy to our family. I can't begin to tell you how many times I hear the word Mom in a day - or how many times I hear the phrase, "I love you, mom."

They are so much fun. I can't imagine what our family would be like without these four little guys. Nor would I want to.

It is as it should be

When we sent out our adoption announcements, the front of the cards read, "In every childhood there is a moment when the door opens and lets the future in." For our kids, that moment came when they were given to us to raise.

There has been a lot of discussion and emails going on in our home this past week - among family members, foster parents, therapists, caseworkers, friends, ministers, adoptive parents and even an adult friend who grew up in foster care.

The topic has revolved around what, if any, and how much information should be given to Carly and Ryan about their biological parents. Should contact be allowed? Either by phone, writing or visits - everyone had their opinions and there were a lot of valid points made both for and against it.

Carly has asked before what her name was before she lived with us but I had never told her. She doesn't remember it - although she was just weeks away from being 4 when she came to live with us. This past weekend though, they asked Grandma Carla if she had any children. This was quite awkward for her, because she is the mother of Carly and Ryan's biological father. She doesn't display his picture when they visit her and she doesn't talk about him of course.

But there was the question - hanging heavy in the air. She pretended to not hear, but Jacob asked her a second time. To say she didn't have any child would be a lie - and to talk about him would be a violation of our visitation agreement. So she did the best thing possible. She called me to tell me what had happened. Their question was no doubt fed by the coming of Sophie - because they are now very interested in who is related and how they are related.

When I picked the kids up Sunday, I told them how Grandma Carla was related to them. None of them said much and we went on to other topics. Later, in the car, Carly reaffirmed what I had said, but hasn't mentioned it again all week.

I also received a letter this week from Toyota - wanting to verify everyone's dependent status. There is a long list of documents you can send in to verify your child is actually your child. So I had to get into the safe to retrieve all of the adoption documents and the files from when the kids were in foster care and the circumstances leading up to their placement.

I have read through these papers again in the last few days. Between all of the parents of our adoptive children there is a plethora of admitted use of crack, crank, cocaine and marijuana. There are repeated evictions, arrests, jail sentences, overdoses and police runs. Multiple DUI's, mental facility admissions, prenatal drug and alcohol abuse and admissions of prostitution can be found in those documents. Neglect, abuse and abandonment are what my children had in store for them had the state not intervened.

In his defense, very little of this behavior was from Carla's son, however, we have decided against any contact with the kids at this point. He will be allowed to read this blog if he wants. Although he is supposedly now clean and sober and working hard, there were several people who expressed concern that having a meeting with Carly and Ryan might not be good for HIM. That it might be detrimental to his ongoing recovery and bring up feelings he is not equipped to deal with at this time. Perhaps later - when they are older and better able to understand things and he is more secure in his rehabilitation process.

Right now I already deal with Ryan asking why his mom and dad "didn't want him." I assure him that they did want him, but sometimes people just aren't able to take care of their kids so God finds them a different place. I wouldn't want Ryan to ask Carla's son that question. Today, I told them their "before" names and showed them a photo of their biological parents. Baby steps - but that is our decision for now.

While I was reading these papers again and thanking God for rescuing them from the life their parents led, Carly brought me this drawing she had just finished.

That's all of us - including Sophie - and we are all happy and smiling. Even the sun is smiling in her world now. And that's as it should be.

Happy Birthday Wes-Man

Well, the countdown is over. Wesley turned 7 today......as he informed be bright and EARLY this morning. It is our family tradition for everyone to gather around the person celebrating their birthday and wake them by singing Happy Birthday. I don't think we have been able to do this to Wes since he turned 2. He gets so excited, he is always up before the crack of dawn. We will be meeting some of his friends for lunch and fun at a place called Kids World. Pizza, loud games needing tokens, tunnels, indoor playgrounds - all the stuff kids love and moms endure because kids love.

I talked to Maggie, Wesley's birthmom, this morning. I know this is a tough day for her. Wesley got his birthday wishes from her and I once again, got the opportunity to feel grateful for the hard decision she made to let us adopt him.

So thank you Maggie - and Happy Birthday Wes. You are so loved.

Happy Gotcha Day

Three years ago today our family was immeasurably blessed with the addition of Carly Beth, Ryan Jackson and Wesley Peyton through adoption. While most of America celebrates Valentine's Day, our family also celebrates Gotcha Day. We are so glad that we listened to the voice of God and not the reports of therapists. None of us can imagine our lives without them nor would we want to. The above picture is from 2003 and the one below is from this morning.

So Happy Gotcha day America -- and thank you God for the blessing of these three wonderful children who so greatly enrich our lives.

Our Adoption Story

We always knew that Andi and Zac would leave home long before Jacob was grown - or that was the plan anyway. So basically, he would be an only child from the age of 5 or so. That was NOT what we wanted for him and having delivered Zac at 27 weeks and Jacob at 35 after weeks of bedrest, I did not want to be pregnant again. Not to mention I was 36 when Jacob was born. So we decided to look into foster care.

Foster care is a strange and wonderful world. There are children who tear your heart out when they leave and then there are children that you are on the front porch waving as they leave, trying you hardest not to jump up and down and whoop with joy. When Jacob was 2 we became licensed foster parents. He turned 2 in April and we were licensed in July, 1999. When you apply to be foster parents, you get to state what ages you are willing to foster. We chose the 3 - 9 year olds. No babies. Nobody younger than Jacob, because we wanted him to be the baby of the family. We got rid of every baby item that we owned and prepared the room for older kids.

August 4, 1999 rolls around. I am standing at the island in my kitchen fixing dinner when the doorbell rings. I look down the hall, because I can see the front door from the kitchen. There stands a case worker -- holding this little baby wearing a diaper and a T shirt. I go to the door and she asks me if I will take this baby. Duh, well, of course. He was 4 months old. Not what we signed up for. So I asked what his name was. She said, "Wesley." Now, Wesley was the name I had wanted for both Zac and Jacob, but got vetoed both times. It is my absolutely favorite boys' name. We literally did not have one item in our house for a baby and Wesley didn't come with much either. A bottle of milk and the clothes he had on. So needless to say, it was a wild dash over the next few days to buy everything we had just gotten rid of - bed, car seat, swing, bottles, everything.

Wesley's birth mother is named Maggie. Maggie and I have had a strange relationship over the past years. She has at times told me she wished I had been her foster mother growing up and has at times hated me with a passion - both understandable feelings. She was also in foster care growing up. She never really had a mother and so she never really learned how to be a mother. There were times when I think that the courts weren't giving her enough credit, yet she could never hold her life together for longer than a couple of months before she would be in trouble again. Never anything major.

Maggie fought the courts every step of the way. As much as I wanted her to just give it up - I certainly admired her for not. She would always do well enough to keep the judge from terminating her parental rights. She had let another couple adopt her first child with her having visitation and as soon as the adoption was final - they took off with the child and have now disappeared entirely. I could certainly understand her not believing us when we assured her time and time again that we would never keep her from Wes. I probably wouldn't have believed me either. Wesley's birth father voluntarily terminated his rights when Wes was about 2. He told us we would always know how to get in touch with him, should Wes ever need a kidney, etc. He signed the papers, walked out the door and we have never heard from him again. Hope Wes has good kidneys!

During the next couple of years, we (I) would scour the internet looking for a sibling for Jacob. We had one set of foster children for a couple of years - the kind that ripped your heart out when they left. We had hoped and planned on them being a part of our family. But their biological grandmother (who originally placed them in foster care) wanted them back, so away they went after being with us for 2 years. She called one evening several months later and said, "I can't do this, I'm bringing them back." And she did - clothes sopping from the washing machine, just brought them and dropped them off here. She didn't have anyone's permission to do it. I called the caseworker the next day and got them put back into our custody and all was well for another year - till we were about to file to adopt them and grandmother decided she wanted them back........again. So, since she is a blood relative and we are only the people who have taken care of them, took them to the doctors, dentists, psychologists, optometrists, individual therapy, group therapy, family therapy, peer therapy, gymnastics, Boy Scouts, church and school - made sure they were fed, clothed and had good grades - attended their parent teacher conferences, fought for their IEPs, made sure they went to visits, court appointments and were well loved - well, we had no say so in the matter. It didn't matter that they considered us their mom and dad. This, despite the fact that their father signed the termination papers at our house - with them present - and discussing with them why he wanted us to adopt them. This, despite the fact that their mother also had indicated in court that she wanted us to adopt them. But that whole blood thing kept it from happening and off they went again -- back to grandmother. The children were subsequently put back into foster care after we had adopted the kids and are now both living in lock-down residential facilities. If their grandmother had not been so self-centered and worried about what people would think of her, their lives could have been so different. It is one of the saddest parts of my life - the fate of these 2 kids. It is also what has made me become a CASA - to try and make sure the children are heard.

So I continued the search for siblings. I would find someone up for adoption, run it by Bill, discuss it family members, pray over them and sometimes send our homestudy for consideration. In April, 2002, I went to an adoption fair. An adoption fair is where there are booths set up from different agencies and they have pictures and bios of children available for adoption. There was one bio I was interested in. It was a beautiful little 2 year old boy and his 3 year old sister. I took the paper home - went through the process and mailed off the homestudy. In the past, every time I did this, I got a form letter, thanking me for our interest, blah, blah, blah. Not this time. After a couple of months, we got a letter saying we were one of 5 finalists to be considered as a home for these kids. They scheduled an all day session for July 25, 2002. In the morning all the finalists would meet as a group and hear all about the kids from a panel of people who knew them. Their caseworkers, CASA workers, therapists, doctors, home aides, foster parents, Special Needs adoption experts...about 12 people in all. I looked around the room at the other couples and sized up the "competition." After listening to the panel discuss the kids all morning, I just sat in the truck and cried during the lunch break. Their needs were far greater than I could ever imagine handling. I felt that to even consider taking these children would be shortchanging Jacob and in the event we ever got to adopt him, Wesley. Bill said he supported whatever I decided because he knew that it would be me dealing with the kids every day all day long. We went through with our afternoon interview, but we left there with a sense of resignation - that we were not meant to be their parents - that these children needed a home with no other children in it - just what had been recommended by their many doctors. They needed a home where they would be the center of attention at all times in order to try and catch up with the world. These kids were so far behind developmentally they were practically newborns. We came home and I emailed all our family and friends that this was not going to happen. Thanks for the prayers anyway.

But over the weekend, God would not let those children leave my mind. Not for a second. On Monday morning I called the special needs adoption specialist with a long list of questions I had compiled. Over the next hour she patiently answered them all and when I got done talking with her I felt a bit more equipped to handle the problems we might face. So I went back to my friends and family and asked for more prayers. On Wednesday I called the head of the agency in the county they lived in and talked to her for over an hour. At the end of the time she asked if she could tell me anything else. I told her no, I thought we had covered all my questions. She informed me that there was one more thing she could tell me. That WE were the family the panel had chosen to adopt the kids. That she had been waiting to see if we had been scared off or would call back. I was speechless. These children had been featured state wide in adoption magazines. They had been on Thursday's Child - a weekly TV show spot featuring children up for adoption. There had been hundreds of families apply to adopt these children. And God chose us.

We made arrangements to go meet the kids. We had only read about them and heard about them. Now we would get to see them. The visitation plan was for Bill and I to go meet them the first week for one hour. Then the next week, do it again for a longer period. The third week we would take our family to meet them for an afternoon. Then we would take the kids up for an overnight visit in their county. After that, they would come to our house for a weekend visit. Then a week's visit. Then for 2 weeks. Then move here.

A nice, slow transition into our home over the next few months. Which was great - because we were in the middle of remodeling our kitchen. We had no cabinets - no sink - nothing and when they were scheduled to move in would be just about when we finished the kitchen and the addition of a dining room. Andi was also getting married in a few weeks so we were busy planning that. The transition plan was absolutely perfect.

As with most perfect plans - this one failed. Miserably. We did go meet the kids. For one hour. It was fine. Then the foster mother where they were placed wanted them OUT of her house. Then. So the next week, 2 weeks before the wedding, Andi and I made the trip to pick up the kids and their stuff. So much for perfect plans. Or the house being finished.

On August 15th, 2002, Carly and Ryan arrived with 13 large plastic bags of stuff. I would like to say crap, because that is what it was. It was as if the foster mother sent every dirty, stained piece of clothes she could get her hands on. We are talking about stuff that was newborn size and up. The only thing she didn't send were the new teddy bears we had taken for them as gifts. A call to the caseworker resolved that problem.

So now we have these 2 new children in the house - an unfinished kitchen and life has taken on a whole new meaning. Neither Carly or Ryan talked when they arrived. They didn't answer to their names, so changing them presented no problem. They were just a few weeks away from being 3 & 4 years old. They did not know a color, a shape, an animal, a letter of the alphabet, a number. Nothing. They did not even eat with forks or spoons. Hands only. They did not know how to dress themselves and forget potty trained. That was a joke. Talk about your work cut out for you. I took them to be tested. The test results showed they were "environmentally retarded." They had just never been taught anything. Carly was placed into a developmental rehabilitation program. Ryan did not even test high enough to be placed there. After about 3 weeks, I removed her and kept her home with me. I decided that if we were supposed to be bonding - she needed to be with me. That was the last time she was in school. I was surprised the caseworker let me do it actually. They generally aren't too thrilled with homeschoolers.

We filed our papers to adopt Carly and Ryan and had the date set for February 14th. What a lovely Valentines day gift. Then in an amazing turn of events - on December 22nd, Wesley's Guardian Ad Litem calls me and tells me that he just got off the phone with Maggie and she is giving up. She is ready to sign the papers so we can adopt him. The emotion that came over me is totally indescribable. Relief and gratitude washed over me as I cried uncontrollably. I could barely speak as I called everyone. I could not believe after all these years, she was going to do it. We set an appointment for that day - and she did it. She signed the papers terminating her parental rights and I have no doubt it broke her heart to do it. We went to court the next morning and the judge terminated her rights. Wesley was now officially free for adoption. What a glorious Christmas! Maggie and I went to an attorney and had a visitation agreement drawn up. Bill and I immediately filed the petition to adopt Wes and on February 14, 2003 we had a wonderful court date. Surrounded by family and friends and some very dedicated caseworkers, we added to our family Carly Beth, Wesley Peyton and Ryan Jackson.

We had planned a party to celebrate and after much preparation --- a huge snow and ice storm hit the day before the party. Giving away 70 pounds of fresh fruit was the next order of the day. The next weekend we gave it another whirl and this time the weather cooperated. About 200 people came out to welcome our new children and at the end of the party we had a private service dedicating all of them to God.

April 8, 2005 - As I write this today it is with amazement that both Carly and Ryan are caught up - academically, socially and personally. Carly can read, write and spell. She is a whiz at math. She has completed her Kindergarten work and is doing her first grade work. She is beautiful, joyful and full of spunk. Ryan works puzzles, does his Kindergarten work and is strong willed to the bone. They both play computer games like old pros. Although reluctant to give or accept affection for the first year, Ryan now snuggles with ease and loves to "hide" in bed when I go to tuck him in every night. Every week someone comments on how much he looks like me. I just say thanks. Wes-Man is a gift to us - both from God, but also from Maggie. I believe he would have lingered forever in the foster care system if Maggie had not made the decision she did. The boys are all the time mistaken for twins and they will just say, "we aren't twins, we're adopted!" They all love to hear the story of how they came to live with us. Wesley stills sees his birthmother and she knows -- or at least she should know - she will always be welcome in our home. Carly and Ryan's biological grandmother was not able to take them into her home, but is a terrific grandmother to ALL of the kids. Whereas she feared she would never see her own grandkids again, instead she got some extras.

Our family is complete now. It was a long, bumpy journey - but oh, so worth the ride.


Adoption Day - Zac, Wesley, Andi, Ryan, Big Guy, Carly and Jacob in front

Mother's Day 2005 - mixed emotions

I probably got only 8 hours and 55 minutes of sleep in actuality last night because for the first few minutes I began my nightly prayer time. But I fell asleep before I was done. I began by praying for all of my friends - new and old, who have lost children during the past year.

I know Mother's Day is a hard day for them. And I pray for the birthmothers of my adopted children. I always wonder how they spend mother's day. Do they have a day filled with regret? Do they not even notice that it is mother's day? Whatever their emotions, I pray for them and thank God that they made the choice that they did.

Carly and Ryan's mother simply did not want them anymore. She did not want to be a mother. She called the Department of Children and Family and just told the woman who answered the phone she didn't want them and someone needed to come get her kids. A caseworker went to the motel where she was living and before she could even get to the door to talk to the mom -- the mom was opening the side door of the van, pushed the kids into it and asked what did she need to sign to give her kids away. And that was basically the end of her life as a mother. Now as harsh as that sounds - I respect that decision. I admire her for having the courage to do what was right for her kids. She could have chosen a different path. She could have kept those kids and continued to neglect them. She could have abused them. She could have kept them just for the money they brought into her home. She had many options. She could have killed them. It happens every day. So yes, to the large majority of us - to just "give away" your kids seems unthinkable. But when faced with the other options she had - she made a wonderful choice. I thank her for it. I pray for her today - that she doesn't live with regret. That she has been able to find a way to make a life for herself.

And I pray all my friends who have lost children are able to enjoy their living children today secure in the knowledge that we will be reunited someday with those who have gone on before us.