I hate hard, horrible, bad, yucky tough to make decisions

but it's time to make another one. After almost 3 years living in a residential treatment facility, there is a family who would like to adopt Ryan.  What?  Why is Ryan not coming back here? To his HOME? To his mother?

Because he can't. There are circumstances that just don't allow it.  For the safety of my family, he won't be returning. Ryan's therapist that he has had for years agrees it wouldn't be good.  The therapist that other members of our family have seen are adamantly against it.  Ryan understands that. He even understands why. He accepts that.  When I spoke with him this afternoon, we discussed this opportunity that has been presented to him to start fresh.

The chance to leave the facility and be in a family environment. The chance to get a driver's license, a job, a holiday that isn't spent in an institution.   I haven't been actively involved with Ryan's therapy while he has been away because I knew he would not be returning.  He needed to work on his issues, without the thought or hope that if he was "good", he would be returning here.

That's not to say I haven't known what was going on.  I am in touch constantly with Ryan's therapist and caseworker.  They are both very excited that after a year of looking, they believe they have found a great fit for Ryan. This family consists of a single man, who has adopted numerous boys who have the same issues as what Ryan has. 

He is a therapeutic foster parent, so he has services available and in place for immediate use for Ryan. There are no young children in the home. Ryan wants to go -- but naturally, Ryan would want to go anywhere that was less restrictive than the place he now lives.

So it's decision time. Do I be selfish? Do I say, "NO. That's my kid and you can't have him?" -- knowing full well, that even though he is my kid, he can't come here? Can't live here and truthfully, the other kids wouldn't even want him to visit. Do I condemn him to another 2 years in an institution, only to be put on the streets when he turns 18 and ages out of foster care? He will be alone and I'm sure it wouldn't take long for him to be in trouble.  The guilt is massive. I didn't adopt him, just to dessert him later. 

It would be nice to be able to just turn off your love for someone. But that is something I can't do. I love Ryan.  He's my son. Not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of him.  I miss him.  In my mind, I get flashes of the little boy he was ~~ freckles and round glasses. Huge brown eyes with long lashes, reaching out tentatively to hold my hand.

But if I'm being totally honest, I miss what he could have been.  Should have been.  But wasn't. I don't miss the screaming, the fights, the police showing up. I don't miss the drama and  the CPS involvement over stuff he did. I won't miss having to go to court every few months, sitting in a hallway  for hours with other parents, waiting to be judged inadequate.

Even though he's my son, I will sign the paper, consenting for Ryan to be adopted by someone who can give him what I can't.  A home.  A family. Support as he turns 18 and enters adulthood. A place to go on holidays. A grandparent for his children someday. Someone to share his ups and downs with. Someone to be there for him.  I hope by signing this paper, I am giving him something he doesn't have now.  A good future. 

I pray it is so and I hope Ryan understands how very much I love him.