The post where the D word is first mentioned

Perhaps, most likely really, I knew it was coming before my accident.  If you read this passage from my recounting of my accident, then you might have noticed something......or rather someone was missing.

"It's strange how many thoughts you can think about when you realize you are about to die. I thought of how silly it was to die doing something so fun. I thought of all of my kids and how I hoped they knew how much I loved them. I wondered if Zac and Andie would get married and I thought of Benjamin and was sad that we wouldn't even remember me at his age.

I remember clearly thinking, "It's over, it's time to let go" and I let go of the branch I was holding onto. I started thinking of my dad and was picturing his face when the next thing I saw was Andi ~~ dunking under water and breathing air into my mouth."

But not once did I think of Bill.  Later, that night as I lay in the ICU, even in my drug induced haze, it occurred to me that if I was in love with my husband of 16 years, I should have thought of him in my dying moments. But I hadn't. And I knew then, in that moment, that I would someday be getting a divorce. 

We have gone through marriage counseling several times, with Christian counselors.  I have Biblical reasons to support my decision  (which I won't be discussing) to divorce and I will have no problem standing before God after having done so and having to account for ending my marriage. Unless the question is, "Why did you stay so long?"  I might have some trouble over that one.

Bill has always, always, always been a great provider and a generous husband.  And he continues to be.  With the ongoing issues we have with Carly and her impulsive behavior, neither of us wanted me to have to leave the house every day and go to work.

So, I'm not.  Bill has ensured that the children and I will continue to live in the home they've always known as home.  I may work from home, but I don't have to.  As I said, he's being very generous.

Sad to say, but the kids have no problem at all with my decision. Ryan is the only one who even asked why.  When I told him, "I just think we will be much happier if it's just us and Dad lives somewhere else." he thought about it for a moment and said, "Well, you've got a good point there."  As I said, if God asks why I stayed so long I may be squirming for answers.

The Petition for Dissolution has been filed and he has leased an apartment close to his job. He will be moving out on the 11th ~~ which now, after almost 19 years of marriage, he hasn't even realized is my 52nd birthday.